My Beer Story

Hey guys!

I know, I know, I’ve been terribly inconsistent here. I apologise.
It’s just that this hustle ehn, it is realer than the hair on most people’s heads (guys inclusive these days).
I have to keep the #BumLife financed and the bills paid, so free time to come out and play has been in ridiculously short supply.
Still, I apologise.

Aaanyway, I have something I just stumbled on and I’d like to share.It’s commercial work (part of aforementioned hustle) that I did for the company website of one of our illustrious watering holes.
It’s a set of five posts chronicling what happened when a certain fellow imbibed something he probably shouldn’t have.

The story generally revolves around a guy called Ejiro, an easy-going, happy-go-lucky, concept developer at a corporate communications agency in Lagos. He works hard and loves to have fun. Ejiro also likes good alcohol but isn’t very good at recognizing his limit so this tends to get him into rather interesting scrapes. He lives with his flat mate, Dara and has a lovely girlfriend Ireti, who lives and works in Abuja but comes to visit on the weekends Ejiro can’t fly up-north to see her.Over the next five days, Ejiro will be telling us his side of a rather ridiculous caper…

* * * * * * * * * *

There is a rhinoceros doing the skelewu in my head and I have NO idea how he/she/it got in there. Also, I’m not so sure how much longer I can listen to Ireti yell about the state of the kitchen before I break down and weep like a misunderstood teenage girl.
Really, it is too early for this.  Wait…what time is it? The clock on the wall keeps moving around, I can barely make out the digits and the hands. Why would anyone buy a clock that doesn’t stay still on the wall?
I have to get out of bed, I’m pretty sure I’m late for Seye’s baby’s dedication. Wouldn’t look good if the infant’s godfather showed up late now would it?
But first, I need to sort out this small issue of the rhino party in my cranium. It now feels like he/she/it has a partner and they are really having a smashing shindig. And for the love of God and all things sacred, Ireti is STILL talking.Somebody, please shoot me. In the head. That way you can kill two rhinos with one shot and put me out of the misery that is Ireti’s shouting. How come she can be so loud and look so calm?
Hian…this woman is gifted. Let me focus a little on that clock and try to get it to stop moving for a moment so I can see what time it is.Ah…there we go, it is just a few minutes past eight. That gives me almost another two hours to get ready and head over to Seye’s place in Maryland. There’ll be no traffic this early on a Saturday morning so I’m good.
Ireti is saying something about needing a forklift to take out the trash. Or maybe she said we need to forfeit all the cash. Cash ke? What cash again? Her face looks calm but her voice is so loud. I don’t know how she’s doing this. I should ask her later. Such a skill could come in handy. I’m thirsty though, like really thirsty. But that fridge is far away in the kitchen and Ireti seems to be certain that the cash we need to forfeit is all over the kitchen floor so maybe I should just drink water while under the shower. I’ll pretend it just got into my mouth by mistake while I washed my face. that should take care of the fear of typhoid and what not. I’m sha too smart sometimes.
Okay…I need to stand up real slow because apparently, sudden movement excites the rhinos way too much…

Gosh…this shower feels great on my head, the rhinos seem to be placated by it. Ireti is here in the bathroom and she’s handing another bar of soap to me. Why is this beautiful lover of mine always trying to get me to use dudu osun? Oh wait a minute, that’s not a bar of soap, it is my blackberry and it is ringing. Great, Seye is calling. I’m sure he wants to remind me to pick up his in-laws at the airport at 9:30. Typical Seye, Mr. micro-manager. Let the phone ring biko. I haven’t forgotten.

…I can’t seem to get my tie on straight, I should go ask Ireti (who’s in the living room and not shouting anymore) to help out.

Hmmm…who’s she talking to at the door? Wait, what’s Seye doing here? And why is he exciting the rhinos in my head with all that shouting? Wow. He looks pretty upset. And he’s tapping his watch and gesturing aggressively at me while Ireti is trying to hold him back. This guy sef, we still have an hour and a half to the ceremony jor. Wait…why is it so dark outside?

Suddenly my foggy mind clears and I hear Seye scream,“why didn’t you show up this morning!!!?”
Oh crap…I slept through the entire day and it is NOT 8:42am. It is 8:42PM!
This is not good.

I open the fridge and reach for a cold drink. I need it.

My name is Ejiro, and this is my beer story…

Onimisi-Suleiman
Saturday 07December2013