You may have to sit down to read this.
My name is Ibrahim Onimisi-Suleiman. You may not remember me, seeing as it’s been a couple of decades since I stopped believing you exist. But don’t take it personal, I grew up around cynics.
Anyway, lemme try to jog your memory a little.
Remember the cute little human with the skinny frame and big fro who wrote you a letter in 1991?
Must be tons of African kids who fit that description.
Ummm…oh! Yea! This particular kid asked for an Atari, a Lego World space station limted edition set, AND a Bazooka.
Aha. You remember now yea?
I was that little human.
Sooo…I know it’s been ages and everything, but I was wondering if you’re still into the whole,”gift-giving” business and whatnot (the economy sucks on this side of reality, so maybe it’s not so great on your side either).
However, if you somehow still are, then this is my ‘Dear Santa’ letter and I’m going to be pretty specific about what I’d like for christmas this year;
Dude. I still want that Bazooka.
Not just any Bazooka. Oh no sir. I did some research, and I want the 3.5 in HYDROAR M20A1B1 Rocket Launcher.
Now I know this sounds pretty outrageous, but don’t worry, I’ve gotten over my anger issues and I promise you, only the most deserving Lagos Danfo drivers will be privileged to experience my amazing new christmas present.
Now before you get all judgemental, let me explain.
So there was this one time a danfo driver cut me off at an intersection, broadsided me on the passenger side (lost my side view mirror) and then this nitwit proceeded to tell me “iya é” as he drove off.
If youre reading this, Mr. Danfo Driver with reg. IKJ 622 AE, I will come for you.
With my shiny new Bazooka.
Christmas is waaaay ahead in the calendar year but I just figured I’d get a headstart on all those spoiled, greedy little snots who want iphones.
I mean, can you believe these kids? Pffft. Millenials.
Aaanyway, I’ve been a good boy all year (last Tuesday doesn’t count. I wasn’t flipping the bird at that guy in traffic, my middle finger just had a bit of a spasm when I tried to wave at him)
See? Totally innocent, purely accidental.
so we good.
I have to get to work now, need to find time to watch the YouTube tutorials on how to quick load and deploy 4 shells from a Bazooka while driving in Lagos.
Stay toasty (which shouldn’t be as difficult as it once was in the north pole. Because, global warming)
Ho! Ho! Ho!
(Please tell me you see what I did there)
Whatever my mom says about this, pay her no mind. She won’t understand that Lagos Danfo drivers arent exactly human, so forgiveness is a lost concept on them.
She’s a pastor. She’d even hug Hitler if he burnt down her home.
So let’s just keep this between us eh Beardie?