Basically, this is a rant. I believe we are all allowed a rant or two, once in a while.
So I overheard a conversation today that reminded me of something I promised myself whilst I was in my teens: There’s NO WAY on God’s green earth I’m letting my kids go to boarding school.
Yes, I said it. It will not happen, no bleeding way. There are too many variables, one very alarming constant:
Nobody knows exactly who (pronounced ‘What’) they will come in contact with there.
This might sound trivial, but it is always in the little things. I’m a man who is about the details. Check this out;
I had this neighbour right, we were about the same age and her family had cash. Well, Sort of. Heck, she had two bicycles. Not one, TWO bicycles. They even had cable before anyone else on my street. To me, they were rich and she was an ajebutta babe.
Anyway, when we turned about ten, we got into secondary school. I got admitted into a school there in Kaduna, she had to go to some girls’ school in the west. A term flew by and my neighbour came back home with an ‘H-factor’ in less than three months. She was like,
“hi will come hofa hafta hi heat lunch.”
She was cute. And I think I had a bit of a crush on her. It was sad. Again I say this; No way on God’s green earth (yes, it is still green. In my idealistic literary world, the sky is blue, the earth is green. Accept it, thank you) are my kids going to boarding school.
Another scary thing is, next thing you know, your sweet little eleven year old son is a seasoned professional at how to torture other people’s kids to the brink of death using a toothbrush and indomie sauce #DontAsk.
And some pervy 15 year old ‘senior’ will be putting his paws on your little boy. So help me God… I will order a sniper rifle on jumia.com just in case.
That would be cool though, being able to order a 50 caliber sniper rifle on jumia.
And it is Pay on Delivery. So when the deliveryman shows up, I can test the rifle FIRST. If he survives, heck, the rifle isn’t working right, I keep my cash.
If he doesn’t survive, well…who do I now pay to? See my dilemma? *shrug*
either way, I’m keeping my cash. Not bad. Not bad at all.
But I digress.
Anyhow, another thing is the FEES. The fees are just plain astronomical. Like why bother making parents pretend to be paying of their own free will? They might as well just borrow my rifle (which I ended up not paying for by the way) and have themselves a regular stick up with cowboy outlaw theme music playing in the background.
I am quite glad I went to regular schools. No private schools for me. All that school fees your parents cough up each term. I can imagine the pressure.
You fail, you die. Period.
I remember that even as an undergraduate of A.B.U Zaria, the most I ever paid per session was N21, 500.00. I was too chill about it all to be honest. Never felt pressured, just got my necessary grades because I was supposed to. Not because I didn’t want to die. In fact in my final year, I paid my fees out of my own pocket. It was nothing. Well, it wasn’t nothing, but you get my drift.
My younger brother on the OTHER hand, went to Covenant University. HA! Let’s see you try THAT, baby bro!
My mother was paying over half a million naira a session. She didn’t have to say it, but even the blind man knows when the train is coming.
(I’ve always wanted to use that analogy.)
So each session, as he looked at the bank draft for his fees, I could literally see Pressure walk up to him and hug him tiiiiiiiiight. The poor chap, I found it hilarious.
Now I’m pretty sure everybody has an opinion about the pros and cons of boarding school, and that’s cool. Let me know where you stand. If possible, share a short anecdote. Speaking of pros and cons though, I know guys I grew up with who went to boarding school and became Pros at being Cons. Okay I’ll shut up now.
Thu, May 30, 2013